Sleep is a side-effect of being tired.

I should probably sleep. It's not that I'm tired, but I feel like I could sleep. Since I generally have to coerce myself into crawling into bed, this is something I'd generally take advantage of.

Yet everything inside of me is telling me to not sleep. I'm still trying to figure out why.

The Butterfly Project is becoming a source of frustration. It's at it's longest stage in the entire game: the transferring of hands. I had intended to do this at least a year ago, actually, but I simply couldn't bring myself to do it. I needed it. As bizarre as it is to say, I needed the clutch of being able to lose oneself into the nuances of a project that always needs just that one more thing, one more adjustment, or one more inspection.

Now, it's time to finally get the batons ready. Systems were already in to play to allow for a change of hands. Once things were finally complete, it was to be handed down into someone who could use the damn thing. We're doing nothing more than making a tool. An tool made of interlacing connections and abstract resources, but a tool all the same. I don't want to use it. I do not have the intelligence to use anything there to it's potential, and I won't waste all of this effort by using only a fragment. If it had been for my personal use, it would have been finished in less than two years, not only now beginning to be made for ease-of-use.

There, however, lies the problems: "ease-of-use." Shit. So much was placed into the project, that finding out what's all available to them would take a few months. No one had bothered to stream-line anything, and those who had mentioned making things easier were ignored because they couldn't figure out how. Now things need to be simplified, and it's just... a mess. The most efficient way to do it is to go back and reconstruct the networks we have from one point to another, but while it's efficient, it's not realistic.

Of course, there's the fact that I have made a point not to get involved personally on this huge step. I simply don't have the nerve. I can simplify explanations and words - though I tend not to simplify myself too often - but to simplify a network of human beings and resource materials? No, thanks. I can give instructions on what needs to be done to maintain things as they tell me what they want to do. That really is all Zack, I, or the few others that were part of the "core" construction, really can bother doing.

Micheal would hate me for this monstrosity. I'm sure of it. "Everyone, become the best at something, then focus your attention at one subject, and we'll FORCE the world to notice!" ... yeah. It was such a nice, simple plan. Instead, I've built the means to MAKE those who can make this goal a reality, without ever finding those who could do it on their own.

It may just be a pipe-dream after all. However, I'm not sure if the dream itself matters anymore. One way or the other, when this is done to the point where it can be called done, I'll be able to step back and say my last farewell. I'm sure of it.

I'm hoping for it.

As to why I'm not sleeping, I still don't know. I just wanted to ramble. One rational reason is that I don't think I can drag my ass out of bed to go to school today if I went to sleep. It just has nothing of interest for me right now. It's just a means to an end, and to be quite frank, no one has been saying anything worth listening to. Nothing worth attending class for. I've met a crippled version of John, just more obnoxious and much easier to ignore, I'm talking to a vague acquaintance from high school - Amanda - again, and I met Jamie again, who I talked to once and never saw a reason to talk to again.

I still have that box that I need to ship to Mariah to have given to Teresa. It's all packed up and ready to go, hiding under my bead. There's something in there I need to give her, but at the same time, I'm kind of afraid of it. I don't know why, it's just... unnerving. Only one of those really needs to get to her, despite it being the most useless, and I can send it it an envelope. Everything else seems somehow... superficial and dry. Almost nothing was even bought - I felt like sending something that had no personal value was pointless - yet it still feels irrelevant.

Hell, do I even have Mariah's address anymore? I don't think I've looked for it yet. Heh. Might want to do that sometime this evening.

Mumbling to myself.
I hope both of you are well.